Domestic Violence Awareness & Action

DVAA, Domestic Violence Awareness and Action, raises awareness about issues like dating abuse. This month we will help young people and their parents understand the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy, possibly abusive, dating relationship. 

ASK YOURSELF: Does my partner respect a “no?” Listen when I have something on my mind or disagree about something? Accept who I am as an individual? Act the same in public and in private with me? Not get angry at me for making a mistake? 

If your answers are “yes” to these questions, that is a sign of a healthy relationship.

ASK YOURSELF: Does my partner encourage me to try new things and support me in doing the things I love? Understand that I have my own life, too? Let me spend time with other friends and family without getting jealous? Want to introduce me to his/her friends and family? Communicate respectfully and honestly? 

If your answers are “yes” to these questions, that is a sign of a healthy relationship. 

There is help available if a teenager might be in an abusive relationship. Love Is Respect is an online resource that offers 24/7 access to crisis intervention, a link to a live chat, advocates to help develop a safety plan, and information on dating abuse. Go to loveisrespect.org, or call 866.331.9474 (TTY 800.787.3224), or text LOVEIS to 22522. 

Other online resources for teens and caregivers: DomesticShelters.org, BreaktheCycle.org and YourLifeYourVoice.org.   

Or, speak with an advocate from Home Free Shelter in Plymouth (crisis line 763.559.4945) or Cornerstone (crisis line 952.884.0330), or call the Minnesota Statewide crisis line (866.223.1111). 

And remember, abuse is never the fault of the person who is being abused. 

Abuse: Equal Opportunity Behavior

Did you know men are victimized by abusive partners? It is true. One-third of domestic abuse victims are men. There are several types and signs of abuse. They are all harmful and serious. Pay attention to these warning signs of psychological abuse of a man. (Even just one sign is a red flag that abuse may be present.) They:
•    Seem afraid of our anxious to please their partner
•    Go along with everything their partner says and does
•    Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they are doing
•    Are belittled and humiliated
•    Have their children turned against them by their mother
•    Are threatened with false accusations that he is the perpetrator
•    Are convinced they are ‘going mad’ or ‘losing their mind’ (called gaslighting)
•    Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from partner
•    Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
•    Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident
•    Are threatened that if he leaves, he will be falsely accused of carrying out domestic abuse, sexual violence, and even sexual violence against the children
•    Show major personality changes (an outgoing person becomes withdrawn)
•    Are depressed, anxious, or suicidal
•    Take up or increase alcohol or drug usage
•    Do not take their appearance seriously (being unkempt, unhygienic)
•    Look unwell (including lack of sleep/insomnia)
(Source: https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/)

Contact:
•    Minnesota Day One 1-866-223-111 or the National Domestic Violence Helpline 1-800-799-7233 to talk with someone about what to do if you suspect you or someone you know is being abused.
•    hello@mariasvoice.org to request education on the signs of domestic violence and safe actions.
•    Susan Rivard if you would like to be part of the DVAA ministry: 612-247-4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com.

How to Respond If Someone Tells You They Are Being Abused

Asking someone if they are being abused is difficult and awkward, so it is easy to come up with reasons to avoid that conversation. Reaching out to them, however, could make all the difference to a victim. Here are some guidelines to responding helpfully.

· Believe them.
· Let them know it is not their fault. (Abusers tell the victim that abuse is their fault.)
· Give resources and referrals so they know there is help. Connecting with a local DV program can offer hope and concrete assistance.
· Support and respect the choices they make. They may decide the time is not right to leave; it can sometimes take months of planning to leave an abusive situation.
· Discuss safety plans, including setting aside money, putting together an emergency escape bag, making a list of important numbers. Connect them with a shelter advocate to help with safety planning.
· Protect confidentiality – promise that the abuser will not know about your conversations.
· Provide support after any separation; it is a complicated loss that might be mourned, despite the pain of the relationship.
· Provide spiritual support.
· Couples counseling is not recommended in these situations, it can put the victim/survivor at risk.
· Don’t forget to take care of yourself in these situations. Vicarious trauma can take a toll on the helpers.
Just listening and caring when someone shares their story of abuse is a powerful message that they are not alone.

WHY DOESN’T SHE/HE LEAVE?

Leaving one’s abuser for good is rarely a simple thing. With children, pets, property and finances thrown into the mix, leaving an abuser can be a dangerous, life-threatening endeavor.

Most women try to leave seven times before they leave for good – and most domestic homicides happen when the woman is trying to leave and the abuser fears losing control.

Still, many people ask: Why doesn’t she just leave? If we don’t answer that, the victim will often be blamed for not walking out the door. There are monumental obstacles to leaving an abusive situation.

They don’t have a safe place to go to and don’t know there are community resources like shelters.

It can feel “safer” to stay. Abusers often threaten to hurt the victim and anyone who helps them if they leave. The victim can feel guilty about uprooting their children, starting over with no money. Maybe the victim doesn’t have job skills, a work history or a good education or has incapacitating health issues and low self-esteem. Maybe she is ashamed about “letting” the abuse happen, is in denial about it, or simply wants to keep the family together.

Abusers gaslight the victim. Abusers are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is their fault, that they deserve it, that they will lose custody of the children, or that the abuse will stop.

A woman who is being abused is at her lowest point: physically exhausted, possibly injured, emotionally devastated, with no self-esteem and little, if any, support. She has no money and often no job, is terrified the abuser will hunt her down and hurt her or anyone who helps her, and may have dependent children.

Would you be able to walk out that door under those circumstances?

IS IT ABUSE?

THREATS. Do they threaten to hurt you, have you deported, threaten suicide, or to disclose embarrassing information to friends and family?

CRITICISM AND GASLIGHTING. Are you constantly criticized or put down by them, do they make you feel afraid or crazy, or do they minimize or blame you for their behavior?

DEPENDENCY AND CONTROL. Do you depend on then for food, shelter, money or medical assistance?

VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. Has the physical, emotional or sexual violence increased in severity, or dothey use jealousy to justify their behavior?

UNABLE TO LEAVE. Have you tried to leave your partner but felt manipulated or unsafe?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Call Hennepin County Dispatch 952.952.5321 to make a report, or dial 911 if you are in immediate danger. Call Cornerstone at 866.223.1111/text 612.399.9995, or visit cornerstonemn.org.

Why Does Purple Symbolize Domestic Violence?

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you look around, you will see a lot of purple.

Throughout October, people decorate their lives with the color purple – from t-shirts and ribbons to nail polish and hair color. The city of Maple Grove even lights up purple at the Gov’t Center and Public Safety Building.

Why? The color purple is a symbol of peace, courage, survival, honor and dedication to ending violence. It is a salute to survivors and those we have lost to domestic violence.

So, when you notice all the purple this month at church and in the community, stop for a second to appreciate the gift of living a life free of abuse and offer a prayer for every individual and every family whose lives are affected by domestic violence.

Abuse or neglect to the vulnerable is always wrong. I happens to persons of all ages. 
Unfortunately the golden years are not always happy ones for the senior population.  As people age they experience both physical and mental decline.  This makes them especially vulnerable to abuse and neglect. The abuse or neglect to an elderly person usually occurs from a family member or caregiver.   
The abuse does not always include physical but can.  Other types of abuse are emotional or psychological abuse, neglect or even abandonment by the caregivers, financial exploitation and healthcare fraud or abuse.  Sadly the victim may be suffering from several of these abusive actions. 
Due to the loss of physical and mental powers seniors not living in institutions rely on family and caregivers for support. The majority of abuse involves a trusted family or caregiver.  Because of their fraility or dependence on the abuser the seniors are less likely to stand up and fight back or say anything.  In almost 60% of the reported incidents a family member is the perpretator.  
Physical abuse not only involves the use of force to cause injury but can include the use of drugs, restraints or confinement against the senior’s wishes.  
Emotional abuse includes intimidation, humiliation  and unwarranted  blame.  
Neglect or abandonment involvement is over half of reported cases of senior abuse.  
Financial abuse involves using a senior’s income, forging their signature, misusing their credit cards or money accounts.
Healthcare fraud and abuse happens when a caregiver charges for services not rendered, overcharges for services, overmedicates or under medicates a senior.   
Some signs and symptoms of elder abuse are 
Unexplained injuries, bruises or broken bones of the senior
Malnourishment or weight loss without an obvious reason. 
Unexplained transactions or loss of money
Symptoms of anxiety, depression and confusion 
The National Institute on Aging estimates that 1 in 10 elderly persons suffers from some type of abuse yearly 
If you suspect a family member or friend is being abused you should report your findings to the local authorities.  
If the matter is urgent of course call 911 otherwise call local adult protective services or non emergent police number

Emotional abuse is destructive to the victim and can cause a loss of self confidence and feeling of hopelessness to the victim. Since there are no bruises or wounds there is no proof of what is happening, leaving the victim more vulnerable, lonely and confused/  There’s a subtlety to emotional abuse that makes it difficult to spot —for the victims and family or friends   
“Emotional abuse is insidious,” therapist Sharie Stines, who specializes in recovery from abuse, told HuffPost. “It’s often invisible. It’s frequently made t0 look like the victim is the one in the wrong and the abuser is the mistreated and unfortunate one suffering. ”
Behaviors like gaslighting, criticizing, insulting, belittling, blaming, threatening, isolating from family and friends and withholding affection or money are means of control and emotional abuse.  Abusers use these tactics and others to break down their partner’s self-confidence and independence, while the abuser gains power and control in the relationship and may even have pity from those close to the couple. 
. 
Abusive relationships don’t always begin this way, though. Often the relationship starts out looking very happy. However this is part of the  perpetrator using grooming techniques, like charm, gifts and affection, to rope in the victim before pulling the rug out from under them.
“That ‘kindness’ is designed to win over the trust and confidence of an unsuspecting victim, making them vulnerable to the coming abuse trauma, 
It takes the attention away from  the offending behavior. It is a form of gaslighting,” said psychotherapist Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, author of “Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative 
The 7 phases of manipulation are listed  below:
1. “You’re too sensitive.
When the perpretator has criticized you or your actions in front of family or friends and you call them on it. They  blame  you are for being too sensitive 
2. “You’re impossible to please.”
Emotional abusers are master manipulators, Stines said. They’ll give you backhanded compliments — Instead of genuine compliments they will use derogatory statements such as you look too heavy in that dress or the meal isn’t as good as it should be 
3. “Your friends don’t have your back like I do.”
It’s to the perpetrator’s advantage to isolate the victim from their friends, family and other members of their support system. That way, no one is around to witness the abusive behavior or help the victim safely exit the relationship. 
4. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
Emotionally abusive partners will ignore the issue at hand and make the victim the problem instead. Let’s say the perpetrator came home hours late from work without calling to let you know. If the victim shows concern about the perpetrator’s actions they will turn it around and cause the blame on the victim. In the end the victim is the one in the wrong and the one suffering .  
5. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gaslighters will make you question your own judgment, memories and sense of reality. When you make an accusation based on something you experienced, the perpretator will accuse the victim of making it up or not knowing all the facts. 
6. “Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”  
Once a gaslighter has made you doubt your own perceptions, they’ll convince you that other people think you are unstable,  which shakes your confidence even further. The perpretator will do all they can to convince others that you are the problem.
7. “My ex was so much better than you.”
Comparing you unfavorably to their former partners is yet another attempt to chip away at your self-esteem.

Trying to convince your partner to see your side is probably a waste of time.
You may try different ways to make your case to them, but it’s no use.
A victim  of emotional abuse is never validated, reassured, listened to, or understood,. “They are left feeling lonely, confused, hurt and insecure.”
If you feel inclined to respond, it is suggested to say something non combative. 
The most effective response, is probably not to respond at all. 
Remember to lean on your support system.
If you need a safe place to stay, a listening ear or help finding a professional who specializes in abusive relationships? Turn to a trusted person in your life who can help you access the support you need.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 22522 for the National Dating Abuse Helpline.
Remember you can always call the local police non emergency number or local shelter.
 

Setting Boundaries is necessary in every healthy relationship. Boundaries  are a set of rules we  put in place to protect ourselves from being abused or taken advantage of by others.  Boundaries empower us to decide how we want to be treated and determine the level of vulnerability we feel comfortable sharing with our partners. But what are our personal boundaries, and how do we define them in our relationships?

Personal boundaries are the limits we  set around our bodies, physical places, emotions, financial information, and digital spaces. We determine what we choose to share with our partners, and our partners choose what they want to share with us. Trust and respect are significant components to maintaining boundaries in our relationships, and it is up to us  to decide what makes us feel most comfortable. Pressure from a partner to redefine our limits is not okay, and we have the choice to decide what feels right for us at any point in our relationships.

Boundaries are a two-way street and should be honored by all parties  involved.  If a partner tries to minimize our needs or violates the boundaries we establish, it should be considered a “red flag” that  they are not showing us the respect and trustworthiness that we deserve. 

There is a strong association between having strong boundaries and high self-esteem and conversely low boundaries and poor self-esteem.  Having strong boundaries in place demonstrates that we are protecting ourselves because we feel we are worthy and deserving of such protection. 

Our relationship boundaries are often damaged by domestic abuse. Even if a person had strong boundaries at the start of an abusive relationship, repeated attacks on those boundaries may weaken and ultimately dismantle them.  (Love is Respect.org)

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. 

Your college-age kid is soon going to taste what it’s like to be a legit grown-up with its mixture of freedom and responsibility. The big question is: Are they prepared? We’re talking here about whether they know how to stay safe. Beyond the don’t-drink-and-drive talk, teens should also get a how-to-say-no-and-mean-it talk, too.

College-age women, ages 18-24, are the most at-risk group to experience intimate partner violence and the least prepared to realize it’s happening. Dating violence can start out so subtly most teens don’t even realize they’re being controlled, manipulated or in a situation that’s escalating toward violence.

Don’t Rely on Colleges to Cover Boundaries, Consent

Most college “safety” speeches talk about being aware of your surroundings, the dangers of walking home alone at night and drinking too much, or the need for a buddy system. But dating violence – and trusting your gut, how to draw boundaries and spotting red flags - are usually not covered.

Things Daughters and Sons Need to Know

Boundaries. Learn how to set loud and clear boundaries. “No” is a complete sentence. If you don’t want to do something, go somewhere or date that person, “No” is sufficient. If someone doesn’t respect that, it’s a red flag. Know your own value and self-worth and never let someone disrespect you.”

Consent. If boundaries are the walls of your house, consent is the front door. You don’t just let anyone walk in. Before entering into a relationship or taking things further physically, make sure you’re asking for consent and/or are giving consent.

Red Flags. Red flags for dating abuse can include subtle control, guilt trips, ignoring your feelings, ignoring your boundaries, an excess of questions about where you were, attempts to isolate you from friends, having a constant victim mentality and demanding to go through your smart phone.

Finally, make sure your teen knows that abuse is never their fault, and it’s always OK to reach out and ask for help

Gaslighting in intimate partner relationships is a manipulative abuse tactic where a survivor begins to question their own reality. It is a form of emotional abuse. 

Here are 18 things abusers do when they are gaslighting:

• Convince you your memory isn’t the best
• Accuse you of having no sense of humor
• Make hurtful jokes or insensitive, harsh remarks
• Answer, “That never happened, you’re imagining it”
• Call you “ill,” “fragile,” “paranoid” or “weak”
• Constantly forget the sequence of events that occurred
• Ask, “Why would you get upset over something so dumb”
• Say, “I didn’t say anything, you must be hearing things”
• Claim you aren’t remembering things correctly
• Tell you you’re overreacting
• Dismiss your feelings and concerns as unimportant
• Pretend they don’t understand what you said
• Reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”
• Shut you down when you try to confront their behavior
• Avoid your concerns saying, “Let’s talk about that later”
• Ask, “Why can’t you just get over it?”
• Accuse you of being too emotional or sensitive
• Downplay negative experiences saying it “wasn’t that bad”

Emotional abuse IS real abuse, even if you have no bruises or injuries. Learn more about how to recognize emotional and other types of abuse at domesticshelters.org.  

If you would like help to figure out if what you are experiencing is emotional abuse, contact an advocate at Cornerstone 952.884.0376 or Home Free 763.559.4945. You are not alone. Help (and hope) is available for you!

Domestic Abuse hotlines are not only for people who want to escape abuse; hotline advocates can also provide information and resources to callers. Whether you are in a problematic relationship (but you’re not quite sure if it’s abuse) or worried about someone else who is being abused, call a hotline. Below are 10 questions you can ask a hotline that don’t have to do with shelter.   

1) Is this abuse? If your partner’s treatment makes you feel uncomfortable or scared, it can be hard to decide if this is abusive, especially if there is no physical violence. You may think you are at fault, or tell yourself that the mistreatment isn’t so bad. An advocate can teach you about psychological, financial, sexual and physical abuse and coercive control so you better understand your relationship.  

2) Would you mind just listening? Everyone needs an empathetic, trusting person to listen and validate their feelings without judgment or blame. Victims of abuse become very isolated and need this extra support from someone who “gets it.” The helpline advocate cares about the well-being of the caller — which is a welcome contrast from abusers. 

3) Should I tell someone what’s going on, and if so, how? Often, victims of abuse want to confide in friends or family but aren’t sure what to say. An advocate will explain how to begin to tell the truth about your abuse.   

4) What should I do when I’m ready to leave? If you want to leave your abuser, a hotline advocate can help with safety planning so that you and your loved ones, pets and finances will be as protected as possible.  
 
5) What can I do if things get worse? If you believe that something awful may happen soon, a hotline advocate can help you assess risks and do a danger assessment to help you determine what level of danger you are in and how to best protect yourself and your loved ones.  
 
6) Will my partner change? Sometimes people want to know if an abuser can change after an arrest or promises to attend therapy. Helpline advocates will not make false assurances, but can describe signs to look for to see if things are getting better, worse, or staying the same.  

7) Can you keep this information confidential? You can stay anonymous if you call a DV hotline.   

8) Am I going crazy? Abusive strategies like gaslighting, emotional abuse and sleep deprivation make victims feel like they are losing their minds. If you live with abuse, your stress can create symptoms such as an inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, feeling either numb or very emotional. A helpline advocate can be very reassuring. 

9) What about the kids, pets, money, housing, and everything else if I decide to go? Hotline advocates typically have a range of local referrals for callers, to help them manage things if they decide to leave.  

10) How can I help my friend/daughter/coworker? Domestic violence hotlines are not only for survivors. They can support and provide advice to concerned friends, family and colleagues. If you are concerned about possible abuse of someone, call a hotline to ask how to broach the topic and safely intervene.   
 
A domestic violence hotline is a resource for the entire community, not just a conduit for shelter beds. In the U.S., you can also chat with an advocate 24/7 every day of the year at The National DV Hotline by calling 800.799.7233. If you are not able to call safely, you can text LOVEIS to 866-331-9474.  
 

Domestic Violence during the Holidays!
It is appropriate that we have Domestic Violence Awareness month in October before the holidays to help us be aware of the situation since the violence increases during the holidays. Per police records Domestic violence reports increase dramatically during the hectic and sometimes stressful Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays. Remember domestic abuse both verbal and physical occur across all of society not just lower-income neighborhoods residents. Both the victim and abuser may be highly educated, successful, popular persons, middle class and the homeless. The abuser and victim might be your neighbor, a co worker,the person next to you at church or even one of your family members.

Stress, overcommitment, and parties with alcohol can cause the problem to escalate. On average police interventions related to domestic violence increase by 20% in December. These are the times when the police are called , it is hard to imagine the number of incidents where police are not called.

The holidays are times to get together with loved ones. If you have a bad feeling about a family member or friend here are some red flags that could indicate a possible problem

1. Bruises and cuts that are worse than the explanation of how it happened

2. Victim wearing more clothing to cover themselves than they usually wear

3. Victim being unusually quiet or withdrawn

4. Coming to events late or calling to cancel when this is not the usual behavior

5. Making excuses not to attend family or friend celebration that they would usually come to.

6. Victim constantly checking in with abuser. Or abuser continually checking on where person is.

7. Body language when one partner of a relationship avoids being near the other

These are possible signs of trouble. Do not jump to conclusions but if possible let the victim know you are available if help is needed. If they seek help the first call should be to the local police.

Hopefully you will never have the occasion to use the above information

DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Hotline.     Call 866.223.1111 (answered by the shelter that is closest to the caller) or text 612.399.9995. Chat online https://dayoneservices.org. 

National DV Hot Line. Call 800.799.SAFE/7233 or TTY 800.787.3224. Chat online with a trained Crisis Counselor at https://www.thehotline.org. Text “START” to 88788. Have information for all states. Open 24/7 every day, this is a resource for safety information and can connect any caller with shelters and protection advocates in her area. 

National Dating Abuse Help Line. Call 866.331.9474. www.loveisrespect.org.  

Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line, Call 763.559.4945. Shelter, general assistance for victims, including legal help. https://www.missionsinc.org/our-services/domestic-violence-services

Cornerstone. Call 952.884.0376. https://cornerstonemn.org. Shelter, general assistance for victims, including legal help.  

Alexandra House. Call 763.780.2330. https://www.alexandrahouse.org. Shelter, general assistance for victims.       

Online Domestic Violence Resources
https://www.vfmn.org. Violence Free Minnesota, the statewide network of domestic violence programs. 

domesticshelters.org. Has extensive free, online articles on domestic violence. You can search for shelters all over the US and support local programs by checking out their wish lists.  

vawnet.org. Free videos and articles on domestic violence. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone & help is available. 

If you want to help stop domestic violence, join the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group. Contact Susan Rivard at susanrivard5873@gmail.com or Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com. 

 

WHY DOESN’T SHE LEAVE?

(Author’s note: Men are also the victims of abuse. The female pronoun is used here for easier readability, but abuse has no gender boundaries. For more detailed information on this topic, read the Oct. 27 eNews.)   

It may seem to defy the logic, but leaving one’s abuser for good is rarely, if ever, a simple thing. With children, pets, property and finances thrown into the mix, untangling oneself from an abuser can be a dangerous, even life-threatening, endeavor.

Most women try to leave seven times before they actually leave for good – and most domestic homicides happen when the woman is trying to leave and the abuser fears losing control. Abuse is all about power and control.  

Still, for the uninitiated, the first question often is: Why doesn’t she just leave? That query is the “elephant in the room,” and if it is not addressed, the victim will too often be blamed by others for not walking out the door. 

There are monumental obstacles to leaving an abusive situation.  

Because victims have often been isolated from family and friends by their abuser, they don’t have a safe place to go to and don’t know there are community resources like shelters. A woman loved her abuser at one point, may still feel responsible for making the relationship work, and may be swayed by the abuser’s promises to change. Victims may not even realize that they are being abused if the abuse is emotional/psychological and not physical – or understand that abuse is a crime. 

It can also feel “safer” to stay. Abusers often threaten to hurt the victim and anyone who helps them if they leave. The victim can feel guilty about uprooting their children, taking them away from their school and friends, starting over with no money. Maybe the victim doesn’t have job skills, a work history or a good education or is dealing with incapacitating physical or mental health issues and low self-esteem. Maybe she is ashamed about “letting” the abuse happen, is in denial about it, or simply wants to keep the family together.  

Abusers are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is the victim’s fault, that they deserve it, that they will lose custody of the children if they leave, or that the abuse will stop. 

Remember this. A woman who is being abused is at her lowest point: physically exhausted and possibly injured, emotionally devastated, with no self-esteem and little, if any, support. She has no money and often no job, is terrified the abuser will hunt her down and hurt her or anyone who helps her – and she may have dependent children. 

Would you be able to walk out that door under those circumstances?

How to Respond If Someone Tells You They Are Being Abused
(For more information, read the article in the Oct. 20 eNews.) 

Asking someone if they are being abused is difficult and awkward, so it is easy to come up with reasons to avoid that conversation. Reaching out to them, however, could make all the difference to someone who is terrified, beaten down and isolated. Here are some guidelines to responding in appropriate and helpful ways. 

•    Believe them.
•    Let them know it is not their fault. (Abusers try to convince their victim that abuse is the victim’s fault.) 
•    Give resources and referrals so they know there is help. (If you are offering websites, caution them about safety and to make sure their abuser doesn’t find out.) Connecting with a local DV program can offer hope and concrete assistance.  
•    Support and respect choices they make. They may decide the time is not right to leave; it can sometimes take months of planning to leave a difficult situation. 
•    Discuss safety plans, including setting aside money, putting together an emergency escape bag, making a list of important numbers.  
•    Protect confidentiality - assure that the abuser will not know about your conversations.  
•    Provide support after any separation; it is a complicated loss that will be mourned. 
•    Provide spiritual support. 
•    Couples counseling is not recommended in these situations, it can put the victim/survivor at risk. It may be a possibility in the future, but only after there has been some type of programming completed and both parties want to reconcile. 
•    Don’t forget to take care of yourself in these situations. Vicarious trauma can take a toll on the helpers. 

The simple act of listening and caring when someone shares their story of abuse is a powerful message that they are not alone. 
   
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, call the National DV Hotline at 800.799.SAFE/7233 or TTY 800.787.3224. 
 

Most people think of domestic violence as a woman at the mercy of a violent man but the truth about domestic violence against men is finally being recognized. Recent studies reveal that male victims of intimate partner violence are wildly underreported. One in 10 men said they have experienced some form of partner abuse including stalking, physical violence and sexual assault.

The United States has one population uniquely and surprisingly vulnerable – undocumented males. Thousands of undocumented men are threatened and controlled by their American spouse. Their ability to stay in this country depends on their American spouse petitioning for them.

The spouse can call Immigration and have them deported. They threaten by saying they will never see their children again. One man’s marriage fell apart and his children were forced to choose between him and Mom. They chose Mom. Years later he nearly died in an accident. He called his now adult children for a ride home from the hospital. They told him to call an Uber.

If a man can’t petition for himself and he remains undocumented, most state laws prevent him from getting a driver’s license and car insurance. Federal laws prevent him from getting a social security # and permission to work legally. The current system of not allowing an immigrant to self-petition keeps immigrants below the poverty line and in need of social services.

One Immigration lawyer has said a majority of her male clients have suffered extreme cruelty from their American wives.
If you want to help stop domestic violence, consider joining the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group. DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

• Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 Minnesota women.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women, exceeding injuries caused by muggings, stranger rape and car accidents combined.

• Last year in Minnesota, nearly 70,000 victims received services from domestic violence agencies.

• Domestic abuse victims account for 25% of violent crime in Minnesota. An estimated 80% of domestic attacks go unreported.

• Intimate partner violence in the U.S. costs over $4 billion per year.

There are never excuses for being abusive. It is never right or justified. Love shouldn’t hurt but there is help available.

Locally contact the Home Free Community Program hotline (24/7) at 763-559-4945

MN Day One crisis Line (24/7)……..1-866-223-1111

The National Domestic Violence Helpline (24/7) number is 1-800-799-7233

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. Find out what you can do to become more aware of Domestic Violence and efforts to raise Domestic Violence awareness.

**Source: Safe Haven Shelter and Resource Center, Duluth MN.

Congratulations to SJTW's Domestic Violence Awareness and Action (DVAA) ministry for being "officially recognized" at the October 4 Maple Grove City Council meeting for their work in the community to raise awareness about domestic abuse, and especially for beginning the the Purple Lights Initiative (PLI) in 2017. With the PLI, cities shine purple lights during the month of October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and have publicity/press releases/social media information about domestic abuse throughout the month. Maple Grove was the first city to sign onto the PLI, and currently DVAA members have convinced ten northwest cities (and four churches) to "light up purple" in October. SJTW parishioners Jane Warren and Susan Rivard, representing the DVAA ministry, attended the city council meeting
October 4.

Maria's Voice, a Maple Grove-based non-profit to honor those individuals lost to domestic violence and to show support for the victims and survivors of abuse organized, held a vigil on October 7 at the Maple Grove arboretum by the Angel of Hope statue. Speakers included the mayor, chief of police, an officer from the domestic violence unit, an advocate from a local shelter, a family who lost a loved one to abuse, and Jane Warren and Susan Rivard SJTW parishioners, representing the faith community. It was a moving, poignant and inspirational evening.

What Does our Faith Teach us About Domestic Violence?
Some may question why we identify domestic violence as an issue in our parish and in our Catholic Community. The Church is unequivocal. The following statement from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops publication, “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women,” clearly explains our Catholic Church’s teaching on domestic violence.
“As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form"—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal"—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.
The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, "How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?" The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. “ 
If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for
more information.
 

Pandemic and how it has affected Domestic Violence

Pandemic and how it has affected Domestic Violence It is definitely no secret that the pandemic has been very hard on everyone. But for people in an abusive relationship, being confined to your home with your abuser just gives that person more power and time and the victim suffers more. The number of 911 calls in Maple Grove involving abuse has increased. In 2019 there were 409 telephone calls related to abuse. In the year 2020 there were a total of 489 reported calls. As of the end of September with 3 months to go the number is 325. The Star Tribune reported on October 2nd that there has been a 40% increase in intimate violence deaths in Minnesota in the year 2020. At least 30 Minnesotans, including 20 women, one man, three children and 6 bystanders or intervenors were killed. The oldest was a 72 year old woman and the youngest was a 20 month old child who died with his mother. In 2021 there have already been 21 intimate relationship deaths. The violence is not contained to Malpe Grove or MN, it is a global problem. This is a Major Health Crisis and systemic change is needed including therapeutic services for child witnesses, tenant protection laws and economic empowerment for survivors. Please pray for the victims and get involved.

Teen Dating Abuse/Violence
October is National Domestic Awareness Month. There are many types of Domestic Violence.  One type of relationship abuse is Teen Dating Abuse which is much like domestic violence and affects both boys and girls.

Teen Dating abuse affects 1,500,000 high school students each year. 
Teen Dating violence often begins with behaviors that are not physically violent, but with small controlling behaviors that might not seem like a big deal but they can escalate and eventually put someone at risk

Early Dating Abuse warning signs for parents and teens:
• Very Controlling
• Stalking – constant checking in with teen or making them check in with him or her
• Teen’s partner excessively calls or texts 
• Refuses to let you end the relationship 
• The partner needs to know where you are at all times
• Teen has become more critical of themselves
• Teen no longer shows interest in friends   
• Grades drop
• Excessive/unhealthy jealously
• Partner checks your teen’s phone or email all the time or demands passwords to these things
• Explosive temper
• Owns or uses weapons 
• Demands details about how you spend your time
• Controls what you wear or look like
• Wants to be with you all the time

You are not alone.
To get help, contact a trusted adult, teacher or counselor, the Dating Abuse Hot Line, or call Home Free, the local shelter that offers services for victims of Domestic Violence. Their 24  hour crisis line number is 763-559-4945.
If teens age 13-18 find themselves in this situation, call the free National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline for teens and parents, 866-331-9474, or visit the website liveisrespect.org where you can receive immediate, confidential assistance with a trained peer or adult advocate or get immediate assistance in a one to one private chat room. 
The National Domestic Violence Helpline number is 1-800-799-7233.
listen and find out what you can do to become more aware of Domestic Violence and efforts to raise Domestic Violence awareness. 

Red Flags for Abuser Lethality 

Note: The presence of these factors can indicate an elevated risk of serious injury or lethality. The absence of these factors is not, however, evidence of the absence of risk or lethality. It is impossible to predict with certainty which abusers will become lethal to their victims. All abusers should be viewed as potentially deadly, though there are well-documented indicators of lethality of which everyone should be aware. 

The following are Red Flags for elevated danger:  

• Has the victim tried to leave the abuser?  

• Does the victim believe that the abuser will re-assault or attempt to kill her/him? (A “no” answer does not indicate a low level of risk, but a “yes” answer is very significant.)  

• Has the abuser ever threatened to or tried to kill the victim?  

• Does the abuser have access to a firearm, or is there a firearm in the home?  

• Has the abuser ever used or threatened to use a weapon against the victim?  

• Has the abuser ever attempted to strangle or choke the victim?  

• Has the physical violence increased in frequency or severity over the past year?  

• Has the abuser forced the victim to have sex?  

• Does the abuser try to control most or all of the victim’s daily activities?  

• Is the abuser constantly or violently jealous?  

• Has the abuser ever threatened or tried to commit suicide?       

• Are there any pending or prior Orders for Protection, criminal or civil cases involving the alleged perpetrator?  

For help in assessing and dealing with a potentially lethal situation, contact: 

DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (www.dayoneservices.org) 

Answered by the shelter that is closest to the caller 

National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 or go to www.thehotline.org to chat with a trained Crisis Counselor.   

National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (www.loveisrespect.org)   

Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945   
https://www.missionsinc.org/our-services/domestic-violence-services  

If you want to help fight domestic abuse, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428, susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528, janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.  

These apps can record calls and fights, recognize an abuser and dial 911 on your behalf

A survey by DomesticShelters.org indicated that one third of survivors say they never documented abuse. Many survivors can’t admit that their once-loving partner has become abusive. Others know they are being abused but don’t think to keep a log of incidents, especially if the abuse is nonphysical. But when it is time to leave the abuser, secure a permanent order of protection and potentially fight for custody rights, any evidence the survivor can bring to court is only going to bolster his or her case.

Victims often have a tough time being believed. They are often accused of suffering the after-effects of abuse — things like cognitive impairment, memory problems and paranoia — which can call their testimony can into question. If it comes down to he said-she said, the victim can lose.

Below is an updated list of recommended apps which can help survivors record abuse as evidence and even identify abuse so they can get out before evidence is ever needed.

To Record Sounds in the Room: Rev Voice Recorder and Memos
A recording of an abuser’s threats, intimidation or control, or the sounds of physical abuse occurring — as scary as that concept is — can be an instrumental piece of evidence in court. This app allows you to record the sounds around you even with other apps open or when the phone goes to sleep, so you could essentially hide the fact you’re recording.

Pros: Syncs to your Dropbox to back-up your recordings, in case the abuser deletes the recording or damages your phone.

Cons: Only works with iPhone and iPad. Does not record phone calls — for that, you’ll want the Rev Call Recorder.

Rating: 4+
 

To Record a Phone Call: Tape ACall Pro
Because threats and protection order violations often take place over the phone, it’s worthwhile to record phone conversations with an abuser. TapeACall allows you to record calls without an indication to the third party they’re being recorded. The app lets you download recordings to your computer as soon as you end a call. Labeling allows you to categorize recordings for easy access later.

Pros: You can record both incoming and outgoing calls.

Cons: The Pro version is $29.99 a year. Only available on iPhones. Three-way calling needs to be supported in order to use, but adding the third call is virtually undetectable once the other person is on the line.

Rating: 4+
 

To Keep a Log of Abusive Incidents: VictimsVoice PWA
Documenting abuse can show a pattern of power, control and intimidation. But how do you keep an abuser from finding your notes? As a “PWA”, or progressive web app, your use of this tool isn’t tracked like your typical Internet use is and therefore is less likely to be detected by an abusive partner. Each time you log in, you use an activation code. It can be accessed from any computer, anywhere.

Pros: Helps you create legally admissible chronological records to submit in court.

Cons: A little pricey at $39.95, but the information is kept safe indefinitely, even if you stop using the app and need to come back to it years later.

To Back You Up in Dangerous Situations: Noonlight You’re in an iffy situation—you’re meeting someone new or you’re with a current partner and don’t feel safe. Maybe you’re just walking into an unknown situation or heading home at night by yourself. Simply hold down the button in the Noonlight app and release when you are safe. If you let go and don’t enter your pin, 911 will be called and sent to your location.

Pros: You can text with responders if you’re unable to talk. Your location is updated even if you begin moving or get into a car. Can sync with Apple watch to send help immediately with the touch of a button. Also voice-activated through an Alexa (may be useful if children are in the house and in potential danger). Free to use panic button feature; $4.99 to $9.99 a month for additional features.

Cons: None that we could tell.

Rating: 4+
 

To Help Recognize an Abuser: RUSafe App
This free assessment and journaling app, based on a danger assessment tool, helps individuals decide if they’re possibly in a dangerous situation with a potential abuser.

Pros: Free to download, works with iPhone and Android phones, includes a secure journal feature where text, audio and photos can be uploaded and emailed to yourself.

Cons: Icon denotes app’s purpose – may be easier to spot by an abuser who’s spying on a survivor’s phone.

Rating: 4+

Check This One Out, Too The myPlan app, which is discreet and password-protected, helps you identify if the actions of your partner fall into the abusive category. After answering a few questions, you’ll receive a score on a scale from Variable Danger to Extreme Danger and be given information about who to call for further advice and counseling.

(This material was adapted from an article in DomesticShelters.org, an online newsletter with domestic violence resources and information.)

If you want to work toward ending domestic violence please join our group, Domestic Violence Awareness and Action.  We normally meet at St. Joseph the Worker Catholic Church in Maple Grove, but are an ecumenical group with members from many different places.   We are meeting using Microsoft Meeting on the first Tuesday of every month during the pandemic.  If you’d like to join us contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com. 

More than 15 million children in the U.S. live in a home where domestic violence has happened at least once. They are at greater risk for repeating the cycle as adults by entering into abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves

Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long term physical and mental health problems. They may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships.

Children who witness abuse are at higher risk of health problems as adults including depression and anxiety. They are also at risk for diabetes, heart disease and poor self- esteem.

Children in homes where one parent is abused may feel fearful, anxious and be on guard at all times. Preschool children may react by doing things they did when younger like bed-wetting, thumb sucking and increased crying and whining.

School aged children may not participate in school activities, have fewer friends and get in trouble more often. They may have a lot of headaches and stomachaches.

Teenagers may act out in negative ways such as fighting with family members or skipping school. They engage in risky behaviors such as having unprotected sex and using drugs and alcohol. They have low self- esteem, have trouble making friends and may start fighting and bullying others and are more likely to be in trouble with the law.

Can children recover from witnessing or experiencing domestic violence? Every child responds differently. Success depends on a good support system, good relationships with trusted adults, high self- esteem and healthy friendships. The sooner a child gets help the better their chances are for becoming a mentally and physically healthy adult.

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

 

Police Officers Who Respond to Domestic Calls Are Impacted, Too

“Domestic” police calls are some of the most dangerous situations for officers. Up to 10% of such calls result in assaults on the responding officers. The likelihood of an officer assault is greatest when the batterer is unemployed, intoxicated, resides with the DV victim, has just damaged property and/or displays a hostile demeanor when officers arrive. An assault on officers is least likely (but not impossible) when all of these elements are absent. https://www.sjtw.net/domestic-violence

If an assault on officers does occur, officers involved have a 50 % chance of sustaining an injury requiring medical treatment. If the domestic assault involves a firearm, officer injury is most likely to occur as the officers first approach the scene or shortly after their arrival. The assailant is likely to be laying in ambush inside or outside the residence, utilize a long gun (rifle or shotgun), and open fire from many feet away. Officers have a 50/50 chance of being hit by the abuser’s gunfire but are most likely to survive the encounter if they wear body armor, maintain distance from the shooter, utilize cover and concealment, and return controlled, accurate fire. (Richard R. Johnson, PHD, Dolan Consulting Group)

Domestic abuse has many victims, not just the woman/man being beaten and assaulted. The professionals who intervene to stop the assault, family members and the community at large are  all victimized by abuse. 

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or  susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or  janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.
 

  
Self-care has gained notable momentum in the wellness community. We know now that we “cannot pour from an empty cup.” However, there are myths about self-care that hold us back from a realistic understanding of what an active and consistent self-care practice looks and feels like.

1. Practicing meditation or mindfulness. 
This can simply mean sitting still (you don’t have to cross your legs, just sit on a comfy chair or lay down in bed), clearing your mind and breathing deeply for 10 minutes every morning. What you’re doing is practicing quieting your often racing and anxious thoughts. It may help to repeat a mantra, which can shift you into a positive mindset for the day ahead.  

2. Exercise — even a little bit.
 While living with abuse, and after escaping abuse, many individuals feel depressed, which brings with it fatigue and zero desire to get out of bed, much less go to the gym. But even moving for 20 minutes a day can produce visible benefits, such as boosting your mood and energy level.  

3. Massage
Massage  has  been prove n to help with the effects of PTSD by reducing the cortisol levels in the body, which can reduce that feeling of hypervigilance that makes you feel like danger is around every corner. But getting professional massages aren’t a realistic option for everyone. Luckily, you can reap the benefits of massage by doing it yourself at home, just by massaging your hands, feet, or above your eyes to relieve tension.  

4. Harness the healing power of your favorite movie.
 If working out isn’t your jam, self-care can also look like putting your feet up in front of the TV. (There's no hard and fast rule about what self-care means.) It can simply be taking a couple of hours to watch a favorite movie or TV show and focusing on relaxing. If your favorite film or show is a comedy, even better; laughing can relax your muscles and stimulate circulation, which can help reduce the physical symptoms of stress in your body. 

5. Helping others. 
True, this may require leaving home, but it is free. Doing something to help others is a way to begin your own healing. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, walking dogs at a local shelter or practicing small, random acts of kindness are all great examples of things to do to give back.  

Self-care has gained notable momentum in the wellness community. We know now that we “cannot pour from an empty cup.” However, there are myths about self-care that hold us back from a realistic understanding of what an active and consistent self-care practice looks and feels like.  

Below are five self-care myths that you should start letting go of today.  

Myth 1: Self-Care is Selfish 
Selfishness entails taking from others without reciprocity, thoughtlessness, inconsideration and a lack of empathy. Self-care involves setting limits with our time, people and places (aka, setting boundaries). We are able to spend time alone and make space for self-reflection with respect to our feelings, relationships and behaviors. 

The reality is that we cannot be present for others or ourselves when we don’t take care of our mental, physical and spiritual well-being. To reframe, self-care is really not 100% about you. It is about being able to attend to your needs so you can show up in the best way possible for others.  

 
Myth 2: Self-Care is Grandiose 
Large self-care gestures are important, but they aren’t inclusive of all the other critical aspects of self-care. Self-care on a moment-to-moment, hour-to-hour and day-by-day basis is what needs our attention the most. This includes grace, pace and space. Grace is the way you speak to yourself in your head. Pace is the tempo that you go about your day. Space is what you make room for in your life and heart.  


Myth 3: Self-Care is Secondary or Optional 
If you don’t budget for self-care, it will make time for you in the form of illness and stress. If you have a super busy day that is filled with tasks and stressors that are all priorities, self-care should not be neglected – instead, that means that self-care needs to be on the top of that priority list and not an afterthought. Goal-seeking is a form of self-care, but when it is at the cost of your mental and physical wellbeing, then we have a problem; then, we are supporting the lie that self-care needs to be “earned.” Taking care of yourself is your birthright. You do not need to earn it. 


Myth 4: Self-Care is Anything that Relaxes You 
This is the myth that surprises a lot of people. Yes, many forms of self-care are relaxing and help regulate the nervous system. When we are stressed, our nervous system is on FIRE, so calming strategies are like water for that fire. However, sometimes calming strategies fan the flame in the form of procrastination.  

The reality is that self-care can be really challenging, and the best way we can take care of ourselves can be described in two words: yes and no. Yes is the willingness to care for yourself by agreeing to things that safely push you outside of your comfort zone and promote growth, like signing up for a 5k, or being more open and honest in your relationships, or setting and honoring boundaries with people, places and things. This includes limiting social media and contact with people that drain you and disengaging from things that drain your energy and do not reciprocate. Self-care can and should be challenging at times.  

Myth 5: Self-Care Takes a Lot of Time 
Notice your breath at this moment while you are reading this article. Just notice, without changing it. Notice where you feel tension in your body and send the breath to that area. Start to elongate the breath and repeat ten times. Feel the tension start to shift. Feel your heart rate start to slow down and your body feel more centered.  

What you just did was an act of self-care! When we take deep breaths, we are giving our nervous systems a big, self-care hug. Breath-work doesn’t take a ton of time and can be done anywhere, anytime.  

Violence is words and actions that hurt people. Violence is the abusive or unjust exercise of power, intimidation, harassment and/or the threatened or actual use of force which results in or has a high likelihood of causing hurt, fear, injury, suffering or death.
Are you in an abusive relationship? You may be if you have ever been threatened, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you. You may be if you feel you have no choice about what you wear, what you say, or who you spend time with or where you go. You may be if you need your partner’s permission before buying food or clothing, writing checks or making other daily decisions.
Domestic Violence is always wrong!! This is not a women’s issue. This is not a feminist issue. This is an individual human rights AND moral issue.
If you would like to be a part of the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group here at St. Joe's, we meet on the first Tuesday of every month in the SJTW library from 7:00-8:30. We educate and take actions to move toward zero tolerance for domestic abuse. Contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com or 763.494.5528 or Susan Rivard at susanrivard5873@gmail.com or 612.247.4428.