Domestic Violence Awareness & Action

Violence Against Women in Wars and Invasions

There is no end to the atrocities suffered in the Ukraine since Russia invaded that county. In addition to murder, torture and starvation, the Russian army has been raping women of all ages; young girls, elderly women and even boys are at risk from the invading soldiers. This force of power is not something new. Invading armies have used this tactic to weaken the women of the attacked country for centuries.  

Not only does sexual assault leave emotional and psychological scars, but a generation of unwanted children may follow. Often a rape is followed by the murder of the victim or, equally tragic, in some cases the victim may chose suicide to lessen her pain. 

There are stories out of Ukraine of soldiers raping women in their 80s; the disabled husband of one of these elderly victims was present in the house during the attack. Not everyone was able to get to safety, and those left behind are suffering from the brutality of the soldiers. There is no fear of punishment for the rapist, he can just continue as he wishes.  

Another side effect of this atrocity is that women who are assaulted usually will carry the scars and memories of this trauma throughout their lives, making it difficult to be productive members of society again. 

And, when these soldiers return home to their civilian life after the war, what kind of a person are they going to be? How will they treat their girlfriends and wives and the other women in their life? Will this need for power and control continue? If so, then both the invaders and the invaded will have suffered from the power and atrocity of sexual violence. God help them all. 

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

• Domestic Violence affects 1 in 4 Minnesota women.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women, exceeding injuries caused by muggings, stranger rape and car accidents combined.

• Last year in Minnesota, nearly 70,000 victims received services from domestic violence agencies.

• Domestic abuse victims account for 25% of violent crime in Minnesota. An estimated 80% of domestic attacks go unreported.

• Intimate partner violence in the U.S. costs over $4 billion per year.

There are never excuses for being abusive. It is never right or justified. Love shouldn’t hurt but there is help available.

Locally contact the Home Free Community Program hotline (24/7) at 763-559-4945

MN Day One crisis Line (24/7)……..1-866-223-1111

The National Domestic Violence Helpline (24/7) number is 1-800-799-7233

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. Find out what you can do to become more aware of Domestic Violence and efforts to raise Domestic Violence awareness.

**Source: Safe Haven Shelter and Resource Center, Duluth MN.

What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a strategy some domestic abusers use to dominate their intimate partners. It usually includes a combination of isolation, degradation, micromanagement, manipulation, stalking, physical abuse, sexual coercion, threats and punishment. Not all of these tactics are always present. The concept of coercive control pulls it all together. Without it, we think about physical abuse and maybe emotional abuse, but it’s easy to miss a wide range of other controlling behaviors.

Is coercive control the same as just being bossy or mean?
Coercive control is about domination, not simply bossiness. Even in healthy couples, one person may control certain areas of their life together. For instance, one may be in charge of what they eat and their social life, while the other manages the finances. As long as neither person is completely silenced in any area, this kind of arrangement may work fine. The problem is when one member of the couple dominates in many or all spheres, and the partner does not feel free to speak her/his mind. If one person becomes increasingly isolated and distanced from her family and friends, this is also a sign that something is wrong.

What are some of the early signs of a coercive control relationship?
At first, controlling partners are often unusually attentive, romantic, and charming. A woman may feel flattered that her new partner wants to be with her at all times and says that she is “his.” He often takes an interest in her life and gives her advice. He may be extraordinarily helpful.
But over time, she notices that she is becoming isolated from friends and family because her new partner claims so much of her time. If she tries to spend time with others, he objects, so she ends with less of a social life. She begins to silence her opinions because her partner becomes upset easily. She gives in to his decisions because it just doesn’t seem worth disagreeing.

How is the survivor affected?
The survivor becomes afraid to make waves within her relationship, so she silences herself. Her self-esteem plummets from frequent criticism. She often feels depressed. Especially if the coercive control does not include physical violence, she may blame herself for the problems in the relationship. She may develop new anxieties, panic or social phobia. The more anxious she becomes, the less her partner needs to control her to keep her isolated. Her concentration suffers as she works to keep her partner happy and not provoke him. She lives in fear, so it is hard to eat and sleep comfortably. She may also suffer from trauma, threats, violence or sexual assaults within the relationship.

There can be effects in the “real world,” too. Many women quit or lose their jobs, their health deteriorates from the stress, they may become addicted to drugs or alcohol, and their credit can be ruined by their partner. Some end up homeless. Coercive control also hurts the children in the household.

If you think you might be experiencing coercive control, there is help. Call the Home Free Shelter 24/7 crisis line at 763.559.4945 to talk to a professional advocate about your situation.

If you want to help stop domestic violence, consider joining the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group. Contact Susana Rivard at susanrivard5873@gmail.com or Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com.

Excerpted from an interview by Domesticshelters.org with Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of The Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship.
 

Signs Of A Non-Violent And Equal Relationship

Let’s start the new year with some positive information about healthy relationships. 

Economic partnership-Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements. 

Honesty and accountability-Accepting responsibility for self-admitting being wrong-communicating openly and truthfully. 

Trust and support-supporting the partner’s goals in life-respecting the partners right to their own feelings, friends, activities and opinions. 

Listening to the partner non-judgmentally-being emotionally affirming and understanding-valuing their opinions. 

Negotiation and fairness-seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict-accepting change-being willing to compromise. 

Wishing all women and men a year of healthy relationships in2022. 

If you are wondering if you are in an unhealthy relationship, you can call this number for help:  

Day One Mn DV Crisis Line-866-223-1111  
or 
Home Free Women and Children’s Shelter-763-559-4945

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information

Congratulations to SJTW's Domestic Violence Awareness and Action (DVAA) ministry for being "officially recognized" at the October 4 Maple Grove City Council meeting for their work in the community to raise awareness about domestic abuse, and especially for beginning the the Purple Lights Initiative (PLI) in 2017. With the PLI, cities shine purple lights during the month of October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and have publicity/press releases/social media information about domestic abuse throughout the month. Maple Grove was the first city to sign onto the PLI, and currently DVAA members have convinced ten northwest cities (and four churches) to "light up purple" in October. SJTW parishioners Jane Warren and Susan Rivard, representing the DVAA ministry, attended the city council meeting
October 4.

Maria's Voice, a Maple Grove-based non-profit to honor those individuals lost to domestic violence and to show support for the victims and survivors of abuse organized, held a vigil on October 7 at the Maple Grove arboretum by the Angel of Hope statue. Speakers included the mayor, chief of police, an officer from the domestic violence unit, an advocate from a local shelter, a family who lost a loved one to abuse, and Jane Warren and Susan Rivard SJTW parishioners, representing the faith community. It was a moving, poignant and inspirational evening.

What Does our Faith Teach us About Domestic Violence?
Some may question why we identify domestic violence as an issue in our parish and in our Catholic Community. The Church is unequivocal. The following statement from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops publication, “When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women,” clearly explains our Catholic Church’s teaching on domestic violence.
“As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form"—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal"—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.
The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, "How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?" The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. “ 
If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for
more information.
 

Pandemic and how it has affected Domestic Violence

Pandemic and how it has affected Domestic Violence It is definitely no secret that the pandemic has been very hard on everyone. But for people in an abusive relationship, being confined to your home with your abuser just gives that person more power and time and the victim suffers more. The number of 911 calls in Maple Grove involving abuse has increased. In 2019 there were 409 telephone calls related to abuse. In the year 2020 there were a total of 489 reported calls. As of the end of September with 3 months to go the number is 325. The Star Tribune reported on October 2nd that there has been a 40% increase in intimate violence deaths in Minnesota in the year 2020. At least 30 Minnesotans, including 20 women, one man, three children and 6 bystanders or intervenors were killed. The oldest was a 72 year old woman and the youngest was a 20 month old child who died with his mother. In 2021 there have already been 21 intimate relationship deaths. The violence is not contained to Malpe Grove or MN, it is a global problem. This is a Major Health Crisis and systemic change is needed including therapeutic services for child witnesses, tenant protection laws and economic empowerment for survivors. Please pray for the victims and get involved.

Teen Dating Abuse/Violence
October is National Domestic Awareness Month. There are many types of Domestic Violence.  One type of relationship abuse is Teen Dating Abuse which is much like domestic violence and affects both boys and girls.

Teen Dating abuse affects 1,500,000 high school students each year. 
Teen Dating violence often begins with behaviors that are not physically violent, but with small controlling behaviors that might not seem like a big deal but they can escalate and eventually put someone at risk

Early Dating Abuse warning signs for parents and teens:
• Very Controlling
• Stalking – constant checking in with teen or making them check in with him or her
• Teen’s partner excessively calls or texts 
• Refuses to let you end the relationship 
• The partner needs to know where you are at all times
• Teen has become more critical of themselves
• Teen no longer shows interest in friends   
• Grades drop
• Excessive/unhealthy jealously
• Partner checks your teen’s phone or email all the time or demands passwords to these things
• Explosive temper
• Owns or uses weapons 
• Demands details about how you spend your time
• Controls what you wear or look like
• Wants to be with you all the time

You are not alone.
To get help, contact a trusted adult, teacher or counselor, the Dating Abuse Hot Line, or call Home Free, the local shelter that offers services for victims of Domestic Violence. Their 24  hour crisis line number is 763-559-4945.
If teens age 13-18 find themselves in this situation, call the free National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline for teens and parents, 866-331-9474, or visit the website liveisrespect.org where you can receive immediate, confidential assistance with a trained peer or adult advocate or get immediate assistance in a one to one private chat room. 
The National Domestic Violence Helpline number is 1-800-799-7233.
listen and find out what you can do to become more aware of Domestic Violence and efforts to raise Domestic Violence awareness. 

WHERE TO GO FOR HELP FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE
When you are in an abusive situation, you can feel terrifyingly alone and without support. It is important to know that there are free resources – professional advocates, helplines and shelters –  available in your community.

DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line   866.223.1111 (www.dayoneservices.org)
Answered by the shelter that is closest to the caller.

National DV Hot Line  800.799.SAFE/7233 or go to www.thehotline.org to chat with a trained Crisis Counselor. 
Have information for all states. Open 24/7 every day, this is a resource for safety information and can connect any caller with shelters and protection advocates in her area.

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women                        
National Dating Abuse Help Line   866.331.9474 (www.loveisrespect.org)  

Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line  763.559.4945 
https://www.missionsinc.org/our-services/domestic-violence-services
Shelter, general assistance for victims, including legal help

Cornerstone  952.884.0376 (shelter, general assistance for victims, including legal help)

Alexandra House 763.780.2330 (shelter, general assistance for victims)

In emotional abuse, an abuser will manipulate a survivor’s feelings in order to control that partner, which is a tactic akin to brainwashing or mind control. A survivor may find themselves deep into a relationship before realizing that their choices — everything from who they can talk to, see and where they can go, to whether or not they’re able to end the relationship —  are no longer their own; an abusive partner is making them for him or her. 

This is a tactic of abuse that is hard to spot and even harder to prove.  

While some people may use the term “emotional abuse,” others may say “psychological abuse” or even “mental abuse.” These terms can be interchangeable, and it’s less important for a survivor to know their definitions than to know the red flags that encompass this type of abuse tactic. 

In some way, shape or form, these terms mean that an abuser is trying to control a partner using emotional ploys — fear, isolation, guilt, shame. 

Emotional abuse can include bullying, degradation, name-calling, a pattern of lying, gaslighting, coercive control, and threats of physical abuse. 

If you think your partner may be using emotional abuse to control you, ask yourself some questions. Does your partner….Put you down, embarrass or shame you? Call you names? Accuse you of being unfaithful without basis? Ignore you? Demand to know where you are every minute? Treat you as inferior? Purposefully embarrass you in front of others? Not allow you to make decisions? Not validate your opinions? Threaten you? Tell you that you’re crazy? Belittle your accomplishments? Forbid you from talking to/seeing your friends, family or coworkers? Keep you from sleeping? Act possessively jealous? Cheat on you and then blame you? Tell you that you will never find anyone better? Point out your mistakes? Control what you wear or how you spend money? Threaten to hurt you/your children, your family or pets?

Emotional abuse can have long-term effects, just like physical abuse, including feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, inability to trust, anxiety, depression, digestion issues, insomnia, chronic headaches and suicidal thoughts or attempts. 

Emotional abuse can escalate into serious physical violence. When a partner begins with nonphysical forms of abuse, often that abuse will escalate over time to physical violence. 

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. 

(This material was adapted from an article in DomesticShelters.org, an online newsletter with domestic violence resources and information.) 

Red Flags for Abuser Lethality 

Note: The presence of these factors can indicate an elevated risk of serious injury or lethality. The absence of these factors is not, however, evidence of the absence of risk or lethality. It is impossible to predict with certainty which abusers will become lethal to their victims. All abusers should be viewed as potentially deadly, though there are well-documented indicators of lethality of which everyone should be aware. 

The following are Red Flags for elevated danger:  

• Has the victim tried to leave the abuser?  

• Does the victim believe that the abuser will re-assault or attempt to kill her/him? (A “no” answer does not indicate a low level of risk, but a “yes” answer is very significant.)  

• Has the abuser ever threatened to or tried to kill the victim?  

• Does the abuser have access to a firearm, or is there a firearm in the home?  

• Has the abuser ever used or threatened to use a weapon against the victim?  

• Has the abuser ever attempted to strangle or choke the victim?  

• Has the physical violence increased in frequency or severity over the past year?  

• Has the abuser forced the victim to have sex?  

• Does the abuser try to control most or all of the victim’s daily activities?  

• Is the abuser constantly or violently jealous?  

• Has the abuser ever threatened or tried to commit suicide?       

• Are there any pending or prior Orders for Protection, criminal or civil cases involving the alleged perpetrator?  

For help in assessing and dealing with a potentially lethal situation, contact: 

DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (www.dayoneservices.org) 

Answered by the shelter that is closest to the caller 

National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 or go to www.thehotline.org to chat with a trained Crisis Counselor.   

National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (www.loveisrespect.org)   

Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945   
https://www.missionsinc.org/our-services/domestic-violence-services  

If you want to help fight domestic abuse, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428, susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528, janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.  

These apps can record calls and fights, recognize an abuser and dial 911 on your behalf

A survey by DomesticShelters.org indicated that one third of survivors say they never documented abuse. Many survivors can’t admit that their once-loving partner has become abusive. Others know they are being abused but don’t think to keep a log of incidents, especially if the abuse is nonphysical. But when it is time to leave the abuser, secure a permanent order of protection and potentially fight for custody rights, any evidence the survivor can bring to court is only going to bolster his or her case.

Victims often have a tough time being believed. They are often accused of suffering the after-effects of abuse — things like cognitive impairment, memory problems and paranoia — which can call their testimony can into question. If it comes down to he said-she said, the victim can lose.

Below is an updated list of recommended apps which can help survivors record abuse as evidence and even identify abuse so they can get out before evidence is ever needed.

To Record Sounds in the Room: Rev Voice Recorder and Memos
A recording of an abuser’s threats, intimidation or control, or the sounds of physical abuse occurring — as scary as that concept is — can be an instrumental piece of evidence in court. This app allows you to record the sounds around you even with other apps open or when the phone goes to sleep, so you could essentially hide the fact you’re recording.

Pros: Syncs to your Dropbox to back-up your recordings, in case the abuser deletes the recording or damages your phone.

Cons: Only works with iPhone and iPad. Does not record phone calls — for that, you’ll want the Rev Call Recorder.

Rating: 4+
 

To Record a Phone Call: Tape ACall Pro
Because threats and protection order violations often take place over the phone, it’s worthwhile to record phone conversations with an abuser. TapeACall allows you to record calls without an indication to the third party they’re being recorded. The app lets you download recordings to your computer as soon as you end a call. Labeling allows you to categorize recordings for easy access later.

Pros: You can record both incoming and outgoing calls.

Cons: The Pro version is $29.99 a year. Only available on iPhones. Three-way calling needs to be supported in order to use, but adding the third call is virtually undetectable once the other person is on the line.

Rating: 4+
 

To Keep a Log of Abusive Incidents: VictimsVoice PWA
Documenting abuse can show a pattern of power, control and intimidation. But how do you keep an abuser from finding your notes? As a “PWA”, or progressive web app, your use of this tool isn’t tracked like your typical Internet use is and therefore is less likely to be detected by an abusive partner. Each time you log in, you use an activation code. It can be accessed from any computer, anywhere.

Pros: Helps you create legally admissible chronological records to submit in court.

Cons: A little pricey at $39.95, but the information is kept safe indefinitely, even if you stop using the app and need to come back to it years later.

To Back You Up in Dangerous Situations: Noonlight You’re in an iffy situation—you’re meeting someone new or you’re with a current partner and don’t feel safe. Maybe you’re just walking into an unknown situation or heading home at night by yourself. Simply hold down the button in the Noonlight app and release when you are safe. If you let go and don’t enter your pin, 911 will be called and sent to your location.

Pros: You can text with responders if you’re unable to talk. Your location is updated even if you begin moving or get into a car. Can sync with Apple watch to send help immediately with the touch of a button. Also voice-activated through an Alexa (may be useful if children are in the house and in potential danger). Free to use panic button feature; $4.99 to $9.99 a month for additional features.

Cons: None that we could tell.

Rating: 4+
 

To Help Recognize an Abuser: RUSafe App
This free assessment and journaling app, based on a danger assessment tool, helps individuals decide if they’re possibly in a dangerous situation with a potential abuser.

Pros: Free to download, works with iPhone and Android phones, includes a secure journal feature where text, audio and photos can be uploaded and emailed to yourself.

Cons: Icon denotes app’s purpose – may be easier to spot by an abuser who’s spying on a survivor’s phone.

Rating: 4+

Check This One Out, Too The myPlan app, which is discreet and password-protected, helps you identify if the actions of your partner fall into the abusive category. After answering a few questions, you’ll receive a score on a scale from Variable Danger to Extreme Danger and be given information about who to call for further advice and counseling.

(This material was adapted from an article in DomesticShelters.org, an online newsletter with domestic violence resources and information.)

If you want to work toward ending domestic violence please join our group, Domestic Violence Awareness and Action.  We normally meet at St. Joseph the Worker Catholic Church in Maple Grove, but are an ecumenical group with members from many different places.   We are meeting using Microsoft Meeting on the first Tuesday of every month during the pandemic.  If you’d like to join us contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com. 

More than 15 million children in the U.S. live in a home where domestic violence has happened at least once. They are at greater risk for repeating the cycle as adults by entering into abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves

Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long term physical and mental health problems. They may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships.

Children who witness abuse are at higher risk of health problems as adults including depression and anxiety. They are also at risk for diabetes, heart disease and poor self- esteem.

Children in homes where one parent is abused may feel fearful, anxious and be on guard at all times. Preschool children may react by doing things they did when younger like bed-wetting, thumb sucking and increased crying and whining.

School aged children may not participate in school activities, have fewer friends and get in trouble more often. They may have a lot of headaches and stomachaches.

Teenagers may act out in negative ways such as fighting with family members or skipping school. They engage in risky behaviors such as having unprotected sex and using drugs and alcohol. They have low self- esteem, have trouble making friends and may start fighting and bullying others and are more likely to be in trouble with the law.

Can children recover from witnessing or experiencing domestic violence? Every child responds differently. Success depends on a good support system, good relationships with trusted adults, high self- esteem and healthy friendships. The sooner a child gets help the better their chances are for becoming a mentally and physically healthy adult.

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

 

Police Officers Who Respond to Domestic Calls Are Impacted, Too

“Domestic” police calls are some of the most dangerous situations for officers. Up to 10% of such calls result in assaults on the responding officers. The likelihood of an officer assault is greatest when the batterer is unemployed, intoxicated, resides with the DV victim, has just damaged property and/or displays a hostile demeanor when officers arrive. An assault on officers is least likely (but not impossible) when all of these elements are absent. https://www.sjtw.net/domestic-violence

If an assault on officers does occur, officers involved have a 50 % chance of sustaining an injury requiring medical treatment. If the domestic assault involves a firearm, officer injury is most likely to occur as the officers first approach the scene or shortly after their arrival. The assailant is likely to be laying in ambush inside or outside the residence, utilize a long gun (rifle or shotgun), and open fire from many feet away. Officers have a 50/50 chance of being hit by the abuser’s gunfire but are most likely to survive the encounter if they wear body armor, maintain distance from the shooter, utilize cover and concealment, and return controlled, accurate fire. (Richard R. Johnson, PHD, Dolan Consulting Group)

Domestic abuse has many victims, not just the woman/man being beaten and assaulted. The professionals who intervene to stop the assault, family members and the community at large are  all victimized by abuse. 

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or  susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or  janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.
 

  
Self-care has gained notable momentum in the wellness community. We know now that we “cannot pour from an empty cup.” However, there are myths about self-care that hold us back from a realistic understanding of what an active and consistent self-care practice looks and feels like.

1. Practicing meditation or mindfulness. 
This can simply mean sitting still (you don’t have to cross your legs, just sit on a comfy chair or lay down in bed), clearing your mind and breathing deeply for 10 minutes every morning. What you’re doing is practicing quieting your often racing and anxious thoughts. It may help to repeat a mantra, which can shift you into a positive mindset for the day ahead.  

2. Exercise — even a little bit.
 While living with abuse, and after escaping abuse, many individuals feel depressed, which brings with it fatigue and zero desire to get out of bed, much less go to the gym. But even moving for 20 minutes a day can produce visible benefits, such as boosting your mood and energy level.  

3. Massage
Massage  has  been prove n to help with the effects of PTSD by reducing the cortisol levels in the body, which can reduce that feeling of hypervigilance that makes you feel like danger is around every corner. But getting professional massages aren’t a realistic option for everyone. Luckily, you can reap the benefits of massage by doing it yourself at home, just by massaging your hands, feet, or above your eyes to relieve tension.  

4. Harness the healing power of your favorite movie.
 If working out isn’t your jam, self-care can also look like putting your feet up in front of the TV. (There's no hard and fast rule about what self-care means.) It can simply be taking a couple of hours to watch a favorite movie or TV show and focusing on relaxing. If your favorite film or show is a comedy, even better; laughing can relax your muscles and stimulate circulation, which can help reduce the physical symptoms of stress in your body. 

5. Helping others. 
True, this may require leaving home, but it is free. Doing something to help others is a way to begin your own healing. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, walking dogs at a local shelter or practicing small, random acts of kindness are all great examples of things to do to give back.  

Self-care has gained notable momentum in the wellness community. We know now that we “cannot pour from an empty cup.” However, there are myths about self-care that hold us back from a realistic understanding of what an active and consistent self-care practice looks and feels like.  

Below are five self-care myths that you should start letting go of today.  

Myth 1: Self-Care is Selfish 
Selfishness entails taking from others without reciprocity, thoughtlessness, inconsideration and a lack of empathy. Self-care involves setting limits with our time, people and places (aka, setting boundaries). We are able to spend time alone and make space for self-reflection with respect to our feelings, relationships and behaviors. 

The reality is that we cannot be present for others or ourselves when we don’t take care of our mental, physical and spiritual well-being. To reframe, self-care is really not 100% about you. It is about being able to attend to your needs so you can show up in the best way possible for others.  

 
Myth 2: Self-Care is Grandiose 
Large self-care gestures are important, but they aren’t inclusive of all the other critical aspects of self-care. Self-care on a moment-to-moment, hour-to-hour and day-by-day basis is what needs our attention the most. This includes grace, pace and space. Grace is the way you speak to yourself in your head. Pace is the tempo that you go about your day. Space is what you make room for in your life and heart.  


Myth 3: Self-Care is Secondary or Optional 
If you don’t budget for self-care, it will make time for you in the form of illness and stress. If you have a super busy day that is filled with tasks and stressors that are all priorities, self-care should not be neglected – instead, that means that self-care needs to be on the top of that priority list and not an afterthought. Goal-seeking is a form of self-care, but when it is at the cost of your mental and physical wellbeing, then we have a problem; then, we are supporting the lie that self-care needs to be “earned.” Taking care of yourself is your birthright. You do not need to earn it. 


Myth 4: Self-Care is Anything that Relaxes You 
This is the myth that surprises a lot of people. Yes, many forms of self-care are relaxing and help regulate the nervous system. When we are stressed, our nervous system is on FIRE, so calming strategies are like water for that fire. However, sometimes calming strategies fan the flame in the form of procrastination.  

The reality is that self-care can be really challenging, and the best way we can take care of ourselves can be described in two words: yes and no. Yes is the willingness to care for yourself by agreeing to things that safely push you outside of your comfort zone and promote growth, like signing up for a 5k, or being more open and honest in your relationships, or setting and honoring boundaries with people, places and things. This includes limiting social media and contact with people that drain you and disengaging from things that drain your energy and do not reciprocate. Self-care can and should be challenging at times.  

Myth 5: Self-Care Takes a Lot of Time 
Notice your breath at this moment while you are reading this article. Just notice, without changing it. Notice where you feel tension in your body and send the breath to that area. Start to elongate the breath and repeat ten times. Feel the tension start to shift. Feel your heart rate start to slow down and your body feel more centered.  

What you just did was an act of self-care! When we take deep breaths, we are giving our nervous systems a big, self-care hug. Breath-work doesn’t take a ton of time and can be done anywhere, anytime.  

Violence is words and actions that hurt people. Violence is the abusive or unjust exercise of power, intimidation, harassment and/or the threatened or actual use of force which results in or has a high likelihood of causing hurt, fear, injury, suffering or death.
Are you in an abusive relationship? You may be if you have ever been threatened, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you. You may be if you feel you have no choice about what you wear, what you say, or who you spend time with or where you go. You may be if you need your partner’s permission before buying food or clothing, writing checks or making other daily decisions.
Domestic Violence is always wrong!! This is not a women’s issue. This is not a feminist issue. This is an individual human rights AND moral issue.
If you would like to be a part of the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group here at St. Joe's, we meet on the first Tuesday of every month in the SJTW library from 7:00-8:30. We educate and take actions to move toward zero tolerance for domestic abuse. Contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com or 763.494.5528 or Susan Rivard at susanrivard5873@gmail.com or 612.247.4428.