Domestic Violence Awareness & Action

The Elephant in the Room: Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?
It is easy for someone looking at domestic abuse from the outside to wonder: Why doesn’t she/he just leave? It seems so simple. But the dynamic between the abuser and the abused is more complicated than people who don't live in a toxic stew of love and fear can ever know.

This question is the “Elephant in the Room” with domestic abuse. Because many people think this, it is critical that we address the Elephant Question and not ignore, dismiss or minimize it.

Leaving an abuser is much harder – and more dangerous – than it might seem. Most domestic homicides occur when the abuser senses that the victim is trying to leave. Anecdotes reveal the startling diversity of the predicaments of domestic-abuse victims.

For just a taste of why victims stay, it might be best to listen to the words of women and men trapped in an abusive relationship:

I had to plan my escape for months before I even had a place to go and money for the bus to get there.

I thought I was a strong person who loved a damaged person and only I could help him.

I was determined to make it work, wanted kids to have their dad, convinced myself that what he did to me wasn't affecting them. I remembered that I used to love him.

After being stuck in an abusive relationship for a while I started to believe I deserved all of it. I had no self-esteem at all.

“Good church girls” persevere and overcome.

I "knew" no one else would want me. I was "lucky" that he chose me.

I had no money, no job skills, no friends because my abuser had isolated me from them – and he threatened to hurt anyone who helped me escape.

The shelter in my area had a long waiting list and no translators.

I know now that I had post-traumatic stress syndrome which made me dissociate and detach from the reality of the abuse.

I didn’t think he would ever be held accountable. A man can earn five years in prison for abusing his dog but just 30 days in jail for beating his wife or girlfriend on a first offense. The justice system doesn’t care.

Leaving isn’t easy – and it is dangerous. Victims need to know that people care and that there are community resources and advocates to help with safety planning.

If you want to help fight DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

DVAA’S MISSION AND VISION STATEMENT
Domestic Violence Awareness and Action’s mission is to work within faith communities and the community at large to raise awareness about and promote zero tolerance for domestic abuse.
To fulfill this mission, DVAA’s actions are: · To educate about domestic abuse, including dating abuse · To support domestic abuse programs in the community · To organize community events honoring victims and survivors of abuse · To mentor domestic abuse ministries in faith communities · To transform environments of faith communities, so worship spaces send a message of support and safety for victims of abuse.
DVAA’s vision is healthy relationships and peaceful, safe environments in our homes, churches, and communities.
If you want to help break the around silence DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.

ABUSE HELP LINES
Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945 DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (answered by different shelters each week) National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 (have information for all states) National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (website: loveisrespect.org) Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women 888.743.5754 or 888.7HELPLINE, or www.dahmw.org


DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RISK ASSESSMENT GUIDE
The presence of the following factors can indicate an elevated risk of serious injury or lethality in an abusive relationship. The absence of these factors is not, however, evidence of the absence of risk or lethality. It is impossible to predict with certainty which batterers will become lethal to their victims, and all batterers should be viewed as potentially deadly. These factors, however, raise red flags that should not be ignored.
1. Does the victim believe that the abuser will re-assault or attempt to kill her/him? 2. Has the victim tried to leave the abuser? 3. Has the abuser ever threatened to or tried to kill the victim? 4. Has the abuser ever attempted to strangle or choke the victim? 5. Does the abuser have access to a firearm, or is there a firearm in the home? 6. Has the abuser ever used or threatened to use a weapon against the victim? 7. Has the physical violence increased in frequency or severity over the past year? 8. Does the abuser try to control most or all of the victim’s daily activities? 9. Is the abuser constantly or violently jealous? 10. Has the abuser ever threatened or tried to commit suicide? 11. Are there any pending or prior Orders for Protection, criminal or civil cases involving the abuser?
Always listen to the victim: If she/he feels “in their gut” that the situation is dangerous, contact a battered women’s shelter. In our area, that would be Home Free Shelter (crisis line 763.559.4945), or Cornerstone (crisis line 952.884.0330), or DAY ONE (crisis line 866.223.1111). All crisis lines are open 24/7.


DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE IN OTHERS
People who are being abused may • Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner • Go along with everything their partner says and does • Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing • Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner • Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness
People who are being physically abused may • Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents” • Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation • Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors)

People who are being isolated by their abuser may • Be restricted from seeing family and friends • Rarely go out in public without their partner • Have limited access to money, credit cards or the car

People who are being abused may • Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident • Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn) • Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal

Maple Grove Police Department Is Prepared to Respond to Domestic Violence Calls

Vigil at Plymouth intersection honors domestic abuse victim

Read the story that accompany this video.


What is domestic violence? 
It is a behavior that comes from the desire of one person to have power and control over another. In a healthy relationship, people make decisions together and have respect for each other. In an unhealthy, abusive relationship, one person makes all the decisions for the other person – about what they wear, who their friends are, what they do for fun. In an abusive relationship, one person uses threats, fear or pain to make the other person do something.

Domestic abuse include things like belittling, put downs, unreasonable demands, isolation, intimidation, control of money, control of friends, control of free time and emotional abuse. It can also include threats, physical violence or murder. The bottom line is, no one deserves to be treated this way. 

Who is affected? 
95% of the time, the victims of domestic violence are women. Estimates are that one out of every four women is battered or abused. They come from all walks of life, all races, all educational backgrounds, and all religions. A battered woman or man might be the vice-president of your bank, your child’s Sunday school teacher, your pharmacist or your dentist. Domestic violence is everywhere; it crosses all economic, cultural and religious lines. It is wrong when it happens to a woman, and it is just as wrong when the victim is a man. 

Why are we talking about domestic violence at church?
As people of faith, we know it is wrong when someone is abused, and we believe that every person has the right to live a life without violence. 

If you want to help break the silence around DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428 or susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. 


Home Free is the shelter in our area that serves women and children seeking refuge from domestic violence. They operate on a shoestring budget and could not survive without the support of people like you. 

To help Home Free continue to provide a safe haven for desperate women and children fleeing abusive situations, we will be collecting donations for the shelter from July 16-25. 

HOME FREE’S WISH LIST
Abuse hotline number 763-559-4945

Most needed items include: full-size (not travel size) adult personal care items (deodorant, toothpaste, bar soap, shampoo and conditioner – especially conditioner). Also needed are cleaning supplies (disinfecting wipes, dish soap, scrubbing sponges, window-cleaner). Supplies for babies and children are not needed at this time. 

Gift cards (for Target, Wal-Mart, Cub, Super America, Holiday, Office Depot, Office Max, Sally’s Beauty Supply or any drugstore) are also much needed. If you would like to give a gift card, or send a check to Home Free, please use the pre-addressed donation envelopes that will be next to the collection bin and mail them directly to Home Free. It is important that gift cards and checks are not left in the collection bin and are instead mailed to Home Free. 

Contributions (other than gift cards and checks) can be placed in the collection bin that will be in the Social Hall just off the Gathering Space. 

If you know a woman or man who is experiencing abuse, listen, and let them know that resources are available to help. Home Free's crisis line for abused women is 763.559.4945, or men and women can call the Domestic Abuse Helpline at 1.888.743.5754. 

If you would like to get involved with Domestic Violence Awareness and Action (DVAA) at SJTW, please contact Susan Rivard (763.559.5873 or 612.247.4428, susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528, janewarren1@gmail.com). 

Help lines for those being abused
Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945 
DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (answered by different shelters each week)
National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 (have information for all states) 
National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (website: loveisrespect.org) 
Domestic Abuse Helpline 
for Men and Women 888.743.5754 or 888.7HELPLINE, or www.dahmw.org

DON’T JUST WALK ON BY THE “LIVE FREE WITHOUT VIOLENCE” FLAG

About once every two weeks we raise a Live Free Without Violence flag in the Social Hall. Next to it is a sign on an easel with a person’s name on it and some information about that individual. 

That individual is a woman, child or man who was killed as a result of domestic violence. The flag and the sign are a way to make sure that their death doesn’t just become another domestic violence statistic that we read about and promptly forget. When you see the flag, please take a moment to pay tribute to that person and say a prayer that we will, someday soon, find a way to eradicate this evil that poisons our relationships, homes and communities. 

And the next time you hear a news segment on television or read a story in the newspaper about domestic abuse, pause for a moment and pay attention. You will be amazed at how pervasive this kind of abuse is in our – every – community. 

If you want to help break the around silence DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. 


YOU Need to Be A Voice: Break the Silence Around Domestic Abuse

In 2015, as of December, 34 people were killed as a result of domestic violence in Minnesota. Some of these deaths received media attention, and at SJTW we raised a Live Free Without Violence flag in memory of each victim. 

Sadly, for many others who live with abuse, there is only silence - because abuse, both physical and mental, from someone who is supposed to love you, can have that effect. Victims retreat inward, into a crack that was created by the first blow or manipulation from their abuser. The resulting silence means that the public rarely takes notice of the problem. 

For the organizations that deal with domestic violence, there are ongoing funding and staffing challenges. Often, the best they can hope for is to give the victims some sense of control, make a little more noise on the subject, and disrupt the silence. 

Individuals in the health care system can also disrupt the silence that typically surrounds domestic violence. Health care providers can ask patients if they feel safe, say something if they suspect abuse, and be prepared to educate patients about their options. Support coming from an authority figure like a doctor carries extra weight. 

And “regular people” like you and me can also stop being silent. Even if we suspect abuse, sometimes we don’t ask because we feel like there is nothing we can do. Simple affirmations, like saying someone doesn’t deserve to be abused or that it’s not his or her fault, can be a life-line for a victim who feels isolated and frightened. Giving them information about resources (see below) can also be lifesaving. Always remember that a situation involving domestic abuse can be very dangerous; work with professionals. 

Silence emboldens and affirms the abuser. Speaking up supports and encourages the victim. The choice is yours. 

Help lines for those being abused:

Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945 
DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (answered by different shelters each week)
National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 (have information for all states) 
National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (website: loveisrespect.org) 
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women 888.743.5754 or 888.7HELPLINE, or www.dahmw.org

If you want to help break the around silence DV, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528 or janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information. 

The Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women (MCBW), has tallied the number of victims of domestic violence here in Minnesota this yearIs this for 2015?: the number was 34 as of December. 
This number does not count spouses or romantic partners who nearly escaped death, or those whose causes of death are still undetermined. The annual number of deaths from domestic assaults in Minnesota ranges from 20 to 40, so sadly, 26 homicides a year is about “average.” This is a grim tally but one that is essential to note so that the victims and the issue are not forgotten.

Other statistics:
•            Three women are killed by current or former partners EVERY DAY in the United States. 
•             Most victims are women; only two men this year were killed by female partners. 
•             About 50% of the homicides are done with firearms.
•             This year’s victims ranged in age from 19 to 76.

Liz Richards, executive director of MCBW, says these facts won’t change without more diligence in law enforcement, support for victims, and involvement by friends and neighbors who witness the signs of domestic abuse.

Here at St. Joseph's we raise the Live Without Violence flag each time there is a new victim in the Twin Cities area. This flag is displayed in St. Joe’s Hall.  Please take a moment when you see it  to read the names of the victims and say a prayer for all those who loved them.

The Domestic Violence Awareness and Action ministry at St. Joseph the Worker (DVAA) is one of the partners working on this new initiative. There will be updates in the bulletin as this group organizes and begins the important work of helping women put their lives back together.
DVAA needs more members, people who are willing to commit one night a month to planning events that will raise awareness of domestic violence,  help Home Free (our shelter for abused women and children), and learn how each of us can reach out to women who are being abused. Please prayerfully consider joining us. Call Jane Warren at 763-494-5528 or email her at janewarren2@gmail.com for more information. We meet the 2nd Monday of each month at 6:30 PM at St. Joseph the Worker.

The MENding Project The Domestic Violence Awareness and Action (DVAA) ministry at SJTW launched a new collaborative initiative to establish a MENding Project at SJTW. The MENding Project coordinates donations from individual men and male-run businesses for goods and free or reduced-fee services that can help abused women and children put together a new life and mend the harm that abusive men have done. Learn more about the MENding Project under the “Social Justice” menu on our website at www.sjtw.net.

Volunteers to Help Victims of Domestic Abuse
SafeJourney, a program serving North Memorial Medical Center and Maple Grove Hospital, helps patients and individuals in the community who are experiencing domestic abuse. Volunteer advocates are needed to provide a listening ear, support, safety planning, information and referral. You do not have to have previous knowledge or experience, but rather looking for people who are sensitive to the issue, caring, and non-judgmental.
Advocates sign up for two on-call shifts per month. Flexible scheduling - daytime, overnights, and weekends. Training is March 1, 3, 8 & 10, 5:30-9 p.m. at North Memorial. Attendance at all four evening sessions is required. For more information and to schedule a short interview, please call 763-581-3942 or email suzy.whelan@northmemorial.com.
 
Home Free Shelter Needs your Used Cell Phones!
SJTW collects used cell phones for Home Free, a shelter for women and children escaping domestic abuse. The phones can be any brand and do NOT need to be in working order. Please do not include accessories. The collection boxes are located in the hallway outside St. Joseph Hall. THANK YOU – recycling used cell phones provides much-needed additional revenue for the shelter.

Why is it essential we, the Catholic community of Saint Joseph the Worker be concerned with the issue of domestic violence? It is essential because too often in the past, religious traditions have been used to defend an abusive patriarchy, to bind victims to marriage commitments that are undermined by intimate violence, to encourage people to “offer up” suffering rather than change the conditions that cause it.

Thankfully, this has changed. The Roman Catholic bishops were very clear in a pastoral letter back in 2002:“We state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified … We emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage … Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage.”
It’s essential because shining a light of the reality of domestic violence is a critical step in creating pathways to safety for those who are victims. It’s essential because speaking out about domestic violence as a violation of God’s love can give victims strength to seek a better way. It’s essential because naming domestic violence as evil can help call perpetrators to account – and perhaps to repentance and treatment.
(Haslanger, Phil, Sojourners, 25 June 2014)

This week we raise the Live Free Without Violence Flag to memorialize Rose Downwind, Dominic Jasper & Kavonta Pratt the 30th, 31st, & 32nd known victims of domestic violence homicide in 2015. Learn more:bit.ly/1lSRfHw